Working on attachment and bonding with an older child who has been in foster care can feel a bit like a roller coaster.  Damage that has been done due to neglect or abuse naturally makes the child fearful or mistrusting of adults.  These kids often haven't had the nurturing that they need early in their lives.  Loving touch isn't a luxury, but a deep seated need.

When a child hasn't had these early experiences of being nurtured--fed, held, changed, clothed, swaddled, direct eye contact--it becomes nearly impossible for that kid to form normal relationships as he or she gets older.  Kids in foster care or those who have been adopted from foster care may need those nurturing experiences as older children in order to catch up emotionally.

There are many things you can do to help build these bonds.

• Feed your kid like he/she is a baby.  You might be surprised by how much, even an older child, they take pleasure in being fed.
• Lots of touching and cuddling is important.  If you kid hasn't had nurturing touch, he/she may not take to it immediately, but things like sitting close while watching a movie can be helpful.
• Direct eye contact is very important.  Children of Trauma will often try and avoid direct eye contact.
• Some children will respond positively to having their hands gently massaged with lotion.

It is contradictory, but when a Child of Trauma begins forming positive attachments to adults, he or she will often act out in negative ways.  Deep in his/her brain--the act of bonding is a dangerous activity.  Fight or flight kicks in and the child will behave extremely badly.  This puts the kid in control of the situation.  They feel that they can dictate when and how they will get dumped again.

At this point the roller coaster really takes off.  There are ups and downs and loop the loops as the kid doesn't want/does want to experience the feelings that they are feeling.  It can trigger panic.  One minute you might have the sweetest child on the planet and the next minute you're looking at a snarling ball of fury.  These are the times to take a deep breath, take stock, and remember--you are doing good.